Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Since my last entry, I had winning results from my blood tests – blood-sugar levels normal, cholesterol normal, kidney and liver functions are normal, but the blood pressure sadly remained unchanged, and the weight on the scale read 238 point something. When 240 is staring right back at you, that “point-something” is not that big of a deal.
Of course, I did not keep up with the suggested plan the doctor gave to me – follow a diet plan, record everything I ate, exercise more, and get more rest and water. I did a half-a**ed job. So it’s not a surprise that I received half-a**ed results. The doctor didn’t mention medication even though that was the threat the last time I was there. So I mentioned it and told him that I wanted to focus on lowering my blood pressure naturally. Of course, he suggested that it would mean a “drastic” change in lifestyle. I was, for a minute, offended. I mean, after all, Doc, you don’t know my life. You see me coming in there at age 44, pushing 240 pounds, and blood pressure reads off the scale and think that it would be drastic. On the contrary. I have been down this road many, many, MANY times as far as weight battles are concerned. I’ve been up and down and back around and then some more. I have taken nutrition classes, I have been a vegetarian, vegan, RAW vegan, and a runner on this journey. Yes, this is the HEAVIEST I’ve ever been; and yes, this is the first time it’s affecting my health; and, yes, this is the first time my stress levels have had an impact on my ability to stick with any plan to change this all around. But I am NOT a stranger to DRASTIC changes.
The only thing that has changed is my willingness to start anew with the information and knowledge gained along the way. This isn’t going to be a quick-fix. What I am doing is building character (as my Dad would say) and a mental toughness (as my Dad would also say) by developing new habits over time. This is where I failed in the past. I did things just enough to look good in my jeans and short skirts and get those catcalls, but my relationship with food was still abusive and addictive. My self-esteem was only on the surface. Underneath, I was still scared of my own shadow – still am on some days.
So keeping this in mind as I moved forward after my last doctor’s visit, I began to make some small changes – preparing all of my meals ahead of time, and it has not been a picnic with all of the Christmas office parties. I threw away a candy cane filled with M&Ms the other day only to come back to my desk the following morning to see another chocolate Santa waiting for me. But I managed to keep myself in check. I started tracking my food and exercise again, which has helped if I did permit myself to have ONE piece of candy or a quarter of a muffin. It stops my obsession over it before it begins. It’s a process, but I am proud of myself for the choices I’ve been making and keeping focused on my training.
I have decided (again) to set some goals. My stress levels must be managed by a routine and a flexible attitude. So far, so good. I had it out with my mother and daughter again. For some reason, when this happens, I get extremely focused. So I have to be careful not to use my focused energy on getting healthier to avoid these issues I have with them. Even today, on Christmas, while they have gone to my sister’s for Christmas dinner (and no, I didn’t get the invite – well, when you’re barely speaking to anyone, would you expect one?), I’m here alone in the house. I have had some moments here – sad, angry, lonely, feeling dismissed, and rejected. But I also brought some of this on myself. I will not take ALL of it. I started to really miss my father and started to feel sorry for myself. Thankfully, I was smart enough to go to the grocery store early this morning (yes, Albertson’s was opened until 6 p.m.) and get some things for the day and for the rest of the week. I’m so happy I did. I was able to get the kitchen early and prepare my meals. I had a feeling they were going to go out like they have done before when we weren’t on good terms. I think it’s kinda chicken sh*t, but if I’m honest, this worked in my favor. My anxiety levels went down when they left. So I chose to look at the positives:
- I have the house to myself.
- The kitchen is SPOTLESS and no dishes to wash.
- I can prepare my meals for the rest of the week without competing for space in the fridge.
- It’s quiet.
- I got up early to prepare my meals for the day to not be overwhelmed by whatever and whomever might be swirling around this house.
- I can write in piece.
- I can watch the big-screen TV in the living with NO interruption or background noise.
- I HAVE THE WHOLE HOUSE TO MYSELF!
- And I feel like my father and I are having that lovely one-on-one time that I adored when he was alive in the physical. I know he would appreciate my appreciating this quietness right now.
So these are the highlights. I have no real complaints other than I think it was kinda cold that for two weeks plans were made without me and no one even reached out to me – not even the sister I AM speaking to (I did get a text from her, but damn that! You can’t call?). I’m human, I’m hurt, there are unresolved issues in this family that others sweep under the rug, and I don’t want to live my life like that. It’s unhealthy for me to live in denial. I’ve done that my whole life. So I must suck this one up, have a GREAT workout, look inward for the peace and quiet strength to push towards my milestones (not just goals), and enjoy the rest of my day.
I weighed in at 228.8 pounds this morning. WOOT! That’s a 10-pound drop since the last time I was at the doctor’s. I thought I would never say this, but I have not been happier to see the 220s on the scale. LOL I’ve had some healthy snacks today and have two more meals left. Aside from this annoying dog barking outside right now, I’d say, this is a beautiful day.
So today, I celebrate ME! And it’s been a long time coming!
The running theme this week has been, “I have to FIGHT FOR THIS!” I must be willing to do what I have to do, go where I have to go, and let go of whatever it is that’s holding me back to reach my goals – even during holiday, emotionally challenging seasons.
So WHAT and HOW else can I celebrate ME today? Hmm….