From the Founder’s Personal Diaries: Entry #9

Monday, October 6, 2014

Dear Diary:

Welp! It becomes clearer what my relationship with food is. I spent the weekend with it. After being sshot down online by a complete stranger, food came in and swept me off my feet. I mean, it did its best, but no substitute for what I really craved: companionship, conversation, laughter, hugs, kisses…

I started to miss him…my friend. Things were cool when I had the attention of would-be suitors online. I felt empowered going to the concert by myself. I had a great time. But even through my grooving, I still missed him and wanted him there with me. He hurt my feelings. We said some hurtful things to each other.

The feelings never left. Guess I was going throught the motions of trying to get over him. I hadn’t given myself time to move on. Now that I decided to leave online dating alone and just breathe a minute, all I can do is think about him….our time together…the love we made…how he smells…his voice…his body….

Am I just horny?

Or I should just admit I’m still looking outside of myself for validation. I do miss our friendship. He stepped back into my life unannounced. It was intense and exciting just like it always has been. We’ve known each other for over 20 years. I loved every minute even our fights. He has that passion I like. I’m so tempted to call him. I unblocked his number and texts. I remember our times together and smile to myself and want to call him. But I remember the words we exchanged. All I have to do is read them. I’m obsessed with saving “evidence, so I haven’t deleted te texts yet. He tried to call me on my birthday but his number and texts were blocked. I know things have to change between us…I just don’t think it has to be this much work if you love and care for each other. And I believe we do.

All I know now is I went from being “boo’d up” and happy to searching online for love to curling up with a box of fried chicken wings and a 2-liter of soda all in a matter of six months….I’m too old for this.

I know it’s not over, but I have got to get it together whether I’m in a relationship or not. I’m filling the voids in my life with food – a pattern developed as early as four years old. So it doesn’t matter what the void is although I am the type of person who functions better while in a relationship. I mean, I’m a loner and can stand alone, but life’s just sweeter when I’m loving my man and he’s loving me right on back. There is no shame in that.

For now, however, I have to find healthier ways to weather the voids I’m experiencing while I find the happiness, peace, and love within so that I won’t have any.

Completeness must begin and end with me.

I sure do miss him…

From the Founder’s Personal Diaries: Entry #8

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Entry #8

Dear Diary:

“Sorry not my type,” he responded. OUCH! I mean, rejection is no fun for ANYONE, but for some of plus-size chicks whose self-esteem needs rebuilding, it can be devastating.

The beginning of September I embarked on a mission to find a date for my birthday. I had two tickets to see Maze featuring Frankie Beverly. This year marked a milestone for me: I turned 45. So I signed up on four online dating sites, two of which were specifically for BBWs and one general. I paid for the three BBW sites thinking I would yield a higher return on my investment on my money AND time. Sadly, it wasn’t the case at all. Two had all the magic of a morgue, and the other one yielded one great date with the hopes of another. However, after two weeks of awkward text messaging, it fizzled. Sleeping with him on that first date may have something to do with it, but I’m okay with it and have no regrets. We played it safe and both were consenting adults. Still it does reinforce the double standard when it comes to sex and dating.

However, I digress.

The most activity came from the general dating site. I posted headshots and full-body shots just so the men would know what they were working with. I was surprised at the responses I was getting. Not all of them were my cup of tea, and I got favorable responses from the men I approached. Tonight, I thought it was time to step it up. Since online dating is a “numbers game,” I decided to send messages out to all men I was interested in. After all, a closed mouth doesn’t get fed. I was having fun, being cute and coy.

But that all changed when I got that response. For some reason, I was rudely catapulted back into the harsh reality that I was sitting in the dark with only the light of my computer screen and some random Bravo movie playing in the background eating Chinese food browsing profiles of men.

Huh? What?

The fact that I’m not totally accepting of my body size right now makes it worse. I’m comfortable hiding behind the computer even though I posted my photos, which I rarely do. The last time I online dated, I weighed about 75 pounds less than I do now. Even though I didn’t have any more success than I am having now, I never got that type of response. It was always positive. “Not my type” translates into “not into big women.” He could have very well meant, “not into black women” or it could have been something I wrote in my profile. But because weight has ALWAYS been an issue for me for as long as I can remember, I “go there.” My self-esteem takes a hit before it’s even clear it has anything to do with it.

What I am learning is everything I do has to start with intent. I have to be honest about what I want and clear about what I want and KNOW that I can have what I want despite of any supposed flaws. I must stop disqualifying myself from ANYTHING I want just because of weight. Yes, it is rude to tell someone “sorry not my type” (and I did tell him so and then blocked him), but I must work on my self-confidence and esteem to accept that and say, “his prerogative yet his LOSS.”

The sting of rejection runs deep and stems from childhood. I have a lot to sort out when it comes to my issues with body image. I’m still learning and growing. I think the first step is appreciating where I am and what I have to offer. Self-acceptance includes accepting my fat. It doesn’t mean that I stop pursuing getting fit and creating a healthy lifestyle that works for me. I have to accept it. This is where I am. It didn’t happen overnight, and I must give myself time to adjust. Trolling these sites is just another way for me to find someone to love me so I won’t have to do it. And it’s simply not fair to dump that responsibility on my would-be mate. I must learn to love myself unconditionally.

From the Founder’s Personal Diaries: Entry #7

Wednesday, March 20, 2014

Entry #7

Dear Diary:

Welp! A few thangs have happened since my last confessional. I was accepted to Cal State Dominguez Hills as an upper-division transfer student. That was on my goal list. I start in the fall. All I n eed to do now is complete this math class and be done. So in two years, I will FINALLY earn my B.A. I’m pretty proud of myself. I’ve beem maintaining a 6-pound drop in weight, which is a good, but it can be better. Considering I haven’t been as diligent since I started “The Biggest Loser Challenge” at work and Pizza Hut and I have been quite a passionate pair, it could be worse. I am taking a swim class every Saturday for 3 hours, so that may have something to do with it. However, next week is the final weigh-in and I could do better. So this is a nice segue into my being honest about my relationship with food. It’s abusive and co-dependent. *steps back and absorbs* I’ve been to Overeaters Anonymous and was able to accept part of it, but I was younger and it was all about looking right and tight in my mini skirts. I didn’t fully accept the emotional attachments I have to food. It started early know that. I was pouring milk into my own bottles at age 4. Now that I take no responsibility. My parents needed to nip that. But my mother claims I made a big “issue” out of it. I don’t know….it’s quite symbolic of our relationship now…that passive-agressive parenting…

*sigh*

I digress slightly as “mother issues” are correlated to my eating, but as a mother myself, we do what we think is best for our babies and depending on where we are in our lives and the age we are, some decisions are planned in the moment…I get it. Doesn’t make me less angry or frustrated that I obsess over food, calories, fat content, to eat meat or go vegan, be “normal” and just eat. But it’s such a challenge. I’m over 40, and I must admit that I still do not know how to eat… And yet my body shows otherwise…

To be continued…

From the Founder’s Personal Diaries: Entry #6

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Entry #6

Dear Diary:

Whew! Where do I begin?

Well, my job is having “The Biggest Loser” contest. I thought, “Wow! How perfect is THIS?” It started this week – Monday to be exact. I was so excited to get the email. I saw flyers in the past where it had been done before. I stepped out of my comfort zone and created a team. I just started asking folks in my unit. We can have up to 15 people. My team is up to 11 now. I’m so excited about it. Who knew I’d have the nerve to ask and build a team. And of course, I’m the team captain. This is huge because I usually wait until I’m appointed. I’ll run against someone, but to take the initiative on some job extra-curricular activity isn’t me – well, without being asked to do it. It feels good to exercise my natural leadership skills. It also gives me the opportunity to play diplomat and mediator. A few co-workers on my team don’t gel well. So I will be doing my best to make sure I keep things interesting for them as team captain. And we want to win, so at least we ALL have that in common – that and the fact that we ALL were about five pounds MORE on the job’s scale than what our scales read at home. My scale lied to me – to my face even – and told me I was 229.7. Well, am I glad I didn’t record that in my journal or update my weight in my food tracker (which would have been a gain anyway – but that’s besides the point), 235.6 (or 8 – I forget – does it matter?) ain’t not 229.7. My co-workers were so gracious and reminded me that I weigh myself NAKED at home. As I mentioned in a previous post, getting under 230 is the goal. It’s no fun on this side. So I’ve got some work to do.

But I digress…

Another great thing that happened to me is my job status was converted from temporary to permanent. So I can scratch job off my list. It’s been a long time coming. My last full-time job ended in February 2008. Ever since then, it’s been unemployment (and extension thanks to President Obama), temp gigs, food stamps, and public assistance. I am NOT ashamed. You do what you have to do. Also during that time, Dad died…

Soooooooo..it’s been a ROUGH six years. I did manage to invest and start a business, but I still have to SELL in order to really call it that. BUT it’s still a business nevertheless. I have the business license to prove it. The point is I kept it moving in spite of those challenges and learned a LOT about myself. I’m a strong chick. I’ve got a LOT of nerve. When my mind is made up, things happen!

I’m finally growing up!

I’ll be starting school next month, I got the classes I want and NEED to transfer into the B.A. program (also sponsored by my job) in August. The Ph.D. will be just around the corner the way I see it. Things are great!

Today I found out that I have been transferred into another unit. My current supervisor wasn’t too happy about it. I’m disappointed as well. I really like my unit. My supervisor is awesome and I’ve learned a lot from her. Unfortunately, when you gotta move, you gotta move on this job. Apparently, you can be reassigned with no notice and/or warning. So essentially, my job, which consists of NO TRAVEL, calls for me to live out of a suitcase. I’m just moving one floor above, but it’s a world of difference when you’re the “new girl” all over again. The anxiety over making new friends, wanting to be like, and “fitting in” doesn’t go away when adolescence ends. On the contrary, unresolved low self-esteem triggers come back full force when you’re face with CHANGE.

So having this little curve ball thrown at me just as I was settling into my new permanent status and my assigned unit is a good thing. I must learn to embrace change. I thought about this all throughout the day. I met my new supervisor and new unit members. I’ve worked on that floor before but with a different unit. Still, it’s moving out of my comfort zone. I got comfortable and cozy on my floor, in my unit, in my routine. I also discovered that my need for control stems from low self-esteem. I’ll push myself when I’m up against a wall, but normally, I’ll do what is expected – whether being “Ms. Dependable,” “Ms. Sooooooooooooooooo Nice,” or “Ms. I’ll Do It!” It’s a need to be liked, not to simply be awesome in my natural self.

I have gifts and exceptional work ethic. I’m also very personable, diplomatic, and look to resolve issues. So this new unit is getting THE BOMB! Why not spread all of THIS around? Why confine it to one area? Let it permeate throughout the entire building and all units. I mean, after all, it is my goal to work in all areas and be knowledgeable in all programs. So the Universe is responding. I must not fight against it. I MUST embrace this small change and bring value to wherever they need me. Who knows what was said in those meetings when they chose me to go. People are genuinely sad to see me go. That flatters me. So I can walk away knowing that after a few weeks, I will bond with a few members of my new unit and continue learning and building.

This is what being on a JOURNEY is all about: road hazards, new friends, surprises, delays, detours, beautiful landscapes, breakdowns, adventures, winding roads, steep hills, rocky terrains, and above it all – I get to CHOOSE it all!

So I choose change….

And that just made me smile right now.

From the Founder’s Personal Diaries: Entry #5

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Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Entry #5

Dear Diary:

The photo says it all. That’s the kind of day I’ve decided to have. Let thy path part like the friggin’ Red Sea.

I’m just THAT fine!

Yeah, Baby!

To the Get Fit Black Girl Community

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HAPPY NEW YEAR! MAKE IT COUNT! CELEBRATE YOU ALWAYS!

Be the MOVEment!

From the Founder’s Personal Diaries: Entry #4

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Entry #4

Dear Diary:

Wanted to get this last entry in before the year ends. Then I can see how far I’ve come this time next year.

I have some lofty goals for 2014 and I will achieve them.

The first on my list is to RELEASE at least 80 pounds. I WILL train to compete in and complete NONSTOP my first marathon in 2015. I WILL complete three 10K’s and one mud run. I WILL begin my Bachelor’s program in August 2014.

This is a short list, of course. However, these are my highlights. These are very important goals. And i’d like to share this journey with all of my sistas in the Get Fit Black Girl community. I will need their love and support. In return I will give my all and be an example of what “Be the MOVEment” is really about…

Now…to the laboratory!

Happy New Year, Diary!