Monday, October 6, 2014
Welp! It becomes clearer what my relationship with food is. I spent the weekend with it. After being sshot down online by a complete stranger, food came in and swept me off my feet. I mean, it did its best, but no substitute for what I really craved: companionship, conversation, laughter, hugs, kisses…
I started to miss him…my friend. Things were cool when I had the attention of would-be suitors online. I felt empowered going to the concert by myself. I had a great time. But even through my grooving, I still missed him and wanted him there with me. He hurt my feelings. We said some hurtful things to each other.
The feelings never left. Guess I was going throught the motions of trying to get over him. I hadn’t given myself time to move on. Now that I decided to leave online dating alone and just breathe a minute, all I can do is think about him….our time together…the love we made…how he smells…his voice…his body….
Am I just horny?
Or I should just admit I’m still looking outside of myself for validation. I do miss our friendship. He stepped back into my life unannounced. It was intense and exciting just like it always has been. We’ve known each other for over 20 years. I loved every minute even our fights. He has that passion I like. I’m so tempted to call him. I unblocked his number and texts. I remember our times together and smile to myself and want to call him. But I remember the words we exchanged. All I have to do is read them. I’m obsessed with saving “evidence, so I haven’t deleted te texts yet. He tried to call me on my birthday but his number and texts were blocked. I know things have to change between us…I just don’t think it has to be this much work if you love and care for each other. And I believe we do.
All I know now is I went from being “boo’d up” and happy to searching online for love to curling up with a box of fried chicken wings and a 2-liter of soda all in a matter of six months….I’m too old for this.
I know it’s not over, but I have got to get it together whether I’m in a relationship or not. I’m filling the voids in my life with food – a pattern developed as early as four years old. So it doesn’t matter what the void is although I am the type of person who functions better while in a relationship. I mean, I’m a loner and can stand alone, but life’s just sweeter when I’m loving my man and he’s loving me right on back. There is no shame in that.
For now, however, I have to find healthier ways to weather the voids I’m experiencing while I find the happiness, peace, and love within so that I won’t have any.
Completeness must begin and end with me.
I sure do miss him…